You Want Him to Open Up. But Has Anyone Taught You How to Hold It?

A letter from a man learning to feel again.
By Nathaniel Flauger

Has anyone ever taught you how to hold space for a man’s emotions?

I’m not talking about calming him down when he’s angry or overwhelmed.
I mean something deeper.
Has anyone ever shown you how to be a safe place for a man to fall apart?

Because here’s what I’m realizing.
Most men were never taught how to express what they feel.
And most women were never taught how to receive it.

We raise boys to survive, not to feel.
Be strong. Stay steady. Provide. Protect.
Don’t cry. Don’t need too much. Don’t fall apart.

At the same time, we raise girls to expect a man to take care of things.
You keep him happy, keep him fed, maybe make jokes about the “honey-do” list.
But where in that are women taught what it really looks like when a man opens up?

Where are the conversations about how deeply emotional men actually are underneath the silence?
Who teaches you how to hold that?

Recently, I was trying to share something personal with someone I care about.
I saw a pattern between us, and I tried to name it.
But I got overwhelmed. I felt too much. My words came out harsh.

She paused and said, “Before I get angry, I’m going to go get my Subway.”
And she left.

In that moment, I wasn’t trying to control her. I wasn’t trying to win anything.
I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to feel safe enough to speak.

I knew right away that I had come in too hot.
But the emotion underneath wasn’t rage. It was grief.
It was pain. It was the part of me that never learned how to speak softly through fear.

That moment broke something open in me.

Because I know I’m not the only one.

You want men to open up.
But do you really know what it looks like when we do?

Because when we finally try, it might not come out clean.
It might be clumsy. It might be loud.
It might be years of silence suddenly rising up all at once.
Not because we don’t care, but because no one ever showed us how to do it differently.

We don’t need to be fixed.
We don’t need someone to carry our pain for us.

But we do need to be seen. We need someone to recognize that emotional safety is not automatic.
It has to be built. It has to be earned.
And sometimes, the first time we try to let it out, we’re punished for not getting it right.

We’re not just here to fix things.
We’re not just a body, or a bank account, or a protector.
We’re human. With layers most people never see.

And we are taught to keep it that way.

So I’m asking you gently.
Have you ever been taught how to hold a man’s heart when he finally puts it in your hands?

Have you ever been shown how to sit with him in his silence, in his sadness, without fixing, without judging, without shutting down?

If you haven’t, I don’t blame you.

But maybe now you will begin to see the men in your life a little differently.

Maybe the next time one of us finally speaks, you won’t walk away.
You’ll stay. You’ll listen. And you’ll let us be human, too.

Because we’ve been carrying the weight for a long time.
We don’t want you to carry it for us.
We just want to know that we’re not alone anymore.

—

Nathaniel Flauger
A man who’s learning to feel again