Thank You for Proving My Point

A follow-up from a man who tried to speak from the heart—and got shut down.

After writing and sharing my recent piece,
"You Want Him to Open Up. But Has Anyone Taught You How to Hold It?"
I ended up in a conversation with someone I respected—someone who writes often about emotional intelligence, safety, and communication.

I shared my post with her, hoping it might open a dialogue. Not a debate. A dialogue between two people who care about healing, and how men and women show up for one another.

Instead, what I received in the end was this:

“Men need to unlearn with other men. Best of luck.”

That line didn’t just dismiss my perspective—it confirmed exactly what the post was written to name.

But to be fair, the full exchange didn’t start that way.
It began with this question from her:

“I have quite a few thoughts after reading that, but my first thought was—why does a woman need to learn that?”

It’s a valid question. One I took seriously. I replied:

“Because a man needs to learn how to show a woman how to be seen emotionally. And as I raise my daughter, I’m relearning the parts I came up short in my own life and relationships.”

I went on to explain the difference between solving problems and giving tools to help someone understand and regulate their feelings. I told her that my vision is bigger than just a blog. I’m building a mobile photography studio not just as a business, but as a vehicle for helping others. Supporting families. Creating connection. Building something that feels like a tribe.

But instead of hearing that intent, she doubled down with this:

“Everyone is responsible for learning to communicate safely, effectively, and non-violently. No one needs to learn how to listen to or hold space for people who are not doing that, regardless of gender.”

She added:

“What is gendered however in our society is that men are not taught effective communication or how to feel and effectively express their emotions… Women and girls are already doing this.”

I responded calmly, sharing my lived experience. I spoke about asking a woman I care about to come sit with me during the launch of my studio. She declined and offered instead to clean my apartment while I was gone. I told her I appreciated the offer, but what I truly needed was presence, not performance. And when I brought it up, the woman admitted that something inside her felt uncomfortable sitting with my feelings.

That was my whole point.

I said:

“You’re right in saying everyone is responsible for communication. But when a relationship is forming—when it’s deepening—the hierarchy of how we communicate becomes more important. Emotional safety should be mutual.”

Her reply?

“Women are often uncomfortable in situations like that to the extent that just reading it gave me, as a woman, a physical reaction to what you put forth. Given most women's life experiences, their discomfort is rooted in safety. And a woman should always let her safety be above a man's feelings.”

That’s when I responded:

“A human should always let their safety be above another person’s feelings. I fixed it for you.”

And I clarified:

“If I’m dating someone and I recognize they are not comfortable sitting with the emotions I feel, and helping me process them in a safe, caring way, then just like a woman, I have the right to understand I need to walk away.”

I believed I was making a reasonable, human point.

Her final response?

“I don't think I'm the person you want to have this conversation with. The most dangerous man to a woman is statistically her romantic partner. I'm glad you know you're not a threat to her, but she cannot ever know that. The fact that you are trying to remove gender from this conversation shows me this is not a conversation that will be fruitful. Best of luck.”

And there it was.

Not “I disagree.”
Not “I see your intent, but I can’t meet you there.”
Just a wall. Just dismissal.

And I’m sharing this now not to attack her. She was honest about her boundary. I respect that.

But I am writing this because her response proved my original post in real time.

When a man speaks about his emotional world, even with care, even with vulnerability, even with intention to heal—he may still be reduced to a potential threat.
He may still be dismissed for simply trying to connect.
And he may still be told to go figure it out alone.

I agree that men need to do the work within their own circles.
But if we are never allowed to speak to the women in our lives—if our feelings are constantly filtered through fear or social narrative—we will never move beyond the mistrust.
We will stay strangers.
And both sides will keep hurting.

Let me be clear. I don’t expect women to be emotional punching bags.
And I know that real harm exists.
But I also believe we are doing men a disservice when we respond to their healing with suspicion, sarcasm, or distance.

That is what I was trying to say.
And now I’ve lived it out.

So if you’ve ever wondered why some men shut down…
Why they stop trying…
Why they stay silent…

Maybe this is why.

But I won’t stop speaking.
And I won’t stop building spaces where emotional safety goes both ways.

Because someone has to.

Nathaniel Flauger
A man who is learning to feel—and speak—with clarity, not shame